A fraternity brother pushes back - "I am proud to be gay"

by Sara Ritsch
Staff Writer

LAKE CHARLES, LOUISIANA—Jonathan Hensley will graduate from McNeese State University on Saturday with honor as both a proud member of the Kappa Sigma fraternity and a proud gay man.

To Hensley, the final days of his college career mean achieving a well-earned degree. The words that he has spoken during these last days, however, have single-handedly achieved more than that.

On Sunday, December 6th, Hensley “came out” on Facebook after months of harassment and assault from his fraternity brothers and friends.

As a member of the Kappa Sigma fraternity, Hensley faced prejudicial aggression that could have seriously injured him physically, if not emotionally, and social outcasting that brought him to the point of homelessness. Despite his undeserved obstacles he achieved an incredibly high grade point average and his own school colors are decorated with a number of academic achievements that he can proudly call his own.

From the first moment of attempted intimidation by his frat brothers, his response was to “push back.”

“If you wind up being in a fraternity that reacts negatively when you come out, you need to stand your ground and push back,” Hensley told The Gayly. “If they keep running people over, we won’t progress as a society.”

In his note, Hensley states that he will not resign from the Kappa Sigma fraternity, even though he faced horrific physical and verbal abuse, ostracism, and the loss of peers – of brothers. His fraternity may have tried its hardest to force him to resign, but Hensley stands firmly on the basis that “Brotherhood is about acceptance and diversity, and our image is only strengthened the more diverse our chapter is.”

So with the fraternity culture that we are accustomed to hearing of – the homophobia, bullying, and alcoholism – what does he have to say to those who are interested in pledging, but unsure if they will be welcomed?

Good people must stand firm. Push back when they ask you to give up. Because if you don’t, the hate will flourish.

“As a community we have to support each other and really stand up when we see stuff like this going on,” said Hensley.

“The end goal here is tolerance. And in order to get tolerance…well, we have to have diversity.”

Read Jonathan Hensley’s note below, and please feel free to share.

Throughout my life, I’ve tried to maintain a basic level of security and privacy. I came from an area that is traditionally conservative, and have always felt like I shouldn’t be pushing my personal beliefs on others anymore than I would want them to push their personal beliefs on me. At the same time, in my life I have experienced much rejection and pain, so painful that I began constantly bending to how others told me I should be. I would willingly do the things and be the person that others would tell me to do and be, in hopes of appeasing them to avoid the pain of further rejection. I was never truly happy, because I constantly felt like I was being shoved in a box that wasn’t meant for me. In fact, most of the time I was miserable, but felt that I had no other choice but to comply to the view others had for me, in order to avoid the pain of rejection.

During my time in college, I have been challenged by several professors to think for myself, to never believe something just because I was told that it was true, and that true knowledge came from personal research and inner reflection. That brought out some of the intangible seeds that had been planted by several open minded friends that I had met while I lived in Austin, Texas and so I decided to give it a shot. As I began to take baby steps in cautiously trying to define and find my true self, I began to get resistance from several people in Louisiana, which is, of course, a very conservative part of the Deep South. But the freedom and individuality I got a taste of was much more satisfying than living a life trying to appease people, though I still didn’t feel right pushing my personal beliefs off on others, nor did I feel that they were anyone else’s business but my own.

At the same time, I think back to President John F. Kennedy’s words, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”, and the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, who said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’ ” I think Tim Cook captured best how I feel, when he said, “I often challenge myself with that question, and I’ve come to realize that my desire for personal privacy has been holding me back from doing something more important. That’s what has led me to today.” Likewise, these quotes, both of which I firmly and deeply believe in with all my heart, are what have lead me to today.

Despite my philosophical changes over the past four years, I have been open about my sexual orientation around people in Austin, but kept quiet about it around areas where I did not feel that it would be accepted. I felt like my personal life was no one else’s business, as it didn’t directly affect them, and as such it shouldn’t affect how they reacted around me. Once again, I think Tim Cook said it best, and so I will let him speak for me. “I haven’t publicly acknowledged [my sexuality], until now. So let me be clear: I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me.”

I never wanted to engage in a battle over the issue of my sexuality, and actually spent my time keeping quiet in order to avoid one, but recently this battle came to my doorstep. A year ago, someone that I declined to date decided to get even by outing me to my fraternity, Kappa Sigma. During the time leading up to our chapter confronting me on the issue I had my car roof stomped in and severely dented, my windshield cracked from top to bottom in a “Y” pattern, people who were supposed to be my brothers drove by, screaming “faggot”, chucking full cans of beer that narrowly missed my head, and endured many other instances of harassment and physical assault. During the meeting where I was confronted, and came out, though some of my brothers were supportive, many began to distance themselves, ostracize me, and members of the Executive Committee ordered me to keep silent and not let it be known in order to “protect their image” or “further action would have to be taken.” In addition, I was pressured to resign, being told by some brothers that they had no problems with homosexuals, they just didn’t want them in their fraternity. Until now, in fear of retaliation, I have carefully guarded my sexuality around campus, going to the point of creating different lists on Facebook so that I could make posts that expressed my individuality to those who knew my sexual orientation (mostly in Austin), and hid those posts from those who might know someone from my fraternity and make a big deal about it, thus exposing me to whatever “further action” might entail.

I am the 603rd member of the International Fraternity to be awarded their highest honor, the Master of the Ritual. My grade point average is among the highest in the chapter, and I have earned the Kappa Sigma Scholar Award by our International Headquarters. I represented our chapter on campus by being involved in the Pride of McNeese, a 1st Place Nationalist for the McNeese State University Speech and Debate Team, and was inducted into two academic Honor Societies. I was an Officer in the McNeese Student Government Association, for a year and a half and have served in the Student Government Legislature for two and a half years. Despite all this, I was told by the Vice President of our Chapter that several homophobic members of the chapter weren’t “comfortable” with having a gay brother and wanted my resignation or expulsion, and some brothers even went as far as suggesting that my sexuality was not compatible with being “gentlemanly” if I were gay. The constant degrading from some of my “brothers” day in and day out made me feel self conscious about speaking about my orientation, skittish and fearful around other people, constantly afraid of being attacked whenever I met new people after the day in and day out degrading, and made me feel as if there was something inherently wrong with me.

I was soon advised that I was going to face a judiciary board concerning my homosexuality, and though I was terrified of being unjustly expelled due to my sexuality, my love for the teachings of the Kappa Sigma Fraternity at it’s heart, and the encouragement of several amazing friends from Austin like Alejandro Herrera and Jp Ponce, who have consistently encouraged me to stand up for what was right, and stood behind me when things were getting rough, gave me a resolve to stand up for my belief that my sexuality was not a reason for me to resign or face expulsion. Around that time, I was also asked by Dylan Fontenot to “please stand up and fight, because in this area of the Deep South homosexuals still face physical attacks, harassment, disowning by family members, and ostracization by their friends.” I am grateful to the friends who supported me and gave me resolve, even though I was terrified of losing the friends I have made on campus by standing firm.

During the Judiciary Board, I informed the Executive Committee that I had no intention of resigning, and that I intended to appeal directly to the Supreme Executive Committee if I faced suspension or expulsion. Though they eventually resorted to complaints about my clothes, my piercings, and everything else they could think of, I remained firm. However, in an attempt to meet in the middle, I agreed not to let my sexuality be known on campus, because they were afraid of damaging their image.

There were several ups and downs over the next few months. After spring break, one of the Officers of the Executive Committee (EC) accidently discovered that I was dating a guy in Austin. At that point I began noticing my brothers avoiding me, ostracizing me, during meetings when I would sit down brothers would get up and move to the other side of the room, brothers began giving me angry looks, flipping me off, and I could sense something was wrong. Once I found out that they were upset over my dating another guy, I engaged through email with an EC Officer in my defense. In return, I was essentially told I was not worthy of being a brother. This particular EC Officer began spreading rumors among the brothers that I was a pedophile, began posting derogatory comments to my modeling page and personal Facebook page, and when I asked him to stop harassing me, I was told that he would not stop until I resigned.

Though I blocked him, a few weeks later when I was in Austin for the summer, this same EC Officer used the Chapter Facebook to get my phone number “for record purposes”, and began harassing me through text. Though I blocked him from text, things blew up after the Supreme Court Same Sex Marriage Ruling. I began getting harassing and receiving intimidating messages from the Chapter Facebook page. I would wake up to voicemails (at times as many as five left within minutes of each other from multiple people at around 3 am) that were threatening and degrading from this particular EC Officer as well as other members of the fraternity. They called me faggot, cock sucker, told me to “get the fuck out of our chapter and house, you faggot”, etc. I also received a call containing death threats if I came back to Louisiana.

After the chapter Executive Committee refused to respond when I was trying to get them to stop this rogue officer and the other members of the chapter engaging in these terrifying strings of harassment and intimidation, I finally called the Kappa Sigma Headquarters, and filed a complaint, asking them to do something to stop the insanity that was going on. Though the chapter could do nothing to retaliate in response to being put under investigation, the Alumni of the Chapter quickly responded a month later by accusing me of something I did not do, kicking me out of the Chapter House, and filing an outrageous law suit against me in what was clearly a retaliatory response for putting the chapter in danger by standing up for myself and reporting the harassment to National Headquarters, when, in fact they would, and have in the past, worked to work things out with any other (straight) brother. Everyone I have spoken too, from the Equality Louisiana Advocacy Group, to several attorneys, and friends has clearly agreed that their purpose so quickly after reaching out to the National Headquarters could only be to “teach me a lesson” and railroad me, thinking that I would be forced to choose between graduation, or dropping out to afford an attorney or research my case in able to fight it. Thankfully, several friends in Austin who had seen what had happened in person as things unfolded over the summer reached out to Equality Louisiana, who put me in contact with an attorney.

During this time, I slept in my car for most of this semester, trying to keep my grades up so that I could graduate. When I went to the Dean, who is very conservative, I was told in short to “get off his radar.” I spent most of this past semester terrified of getting attacked or retaliated against for reporting the Chapter to Headquarters over the summer. Finally, a group of other students that were familiar with the situation went to the police, and during that time I was warned by several student government officers that members of the Chapter were going around demanding names of people involved in the investigation, and that members of the Alumni were also calling the editor of the newspaper demanding the same. I was advised that it was dangerous to walk by myself on campus, and that I needed to be in a group at all times. Many times this stress, added with that of a full load of classes left me emotionally distraught, giving me panic attacks out of sheer fear, and I was absolutely terrified of what could happen if anyone found out that other students had reported what had happened. Even as recently as the day before Thanksgiving, I was assaulted on campus by individuals driving by, screaming “faggot” and throwing trash out of the window at me, some of which contained items heavy enough to have caused serious injury if I had been hit.

I was planning on publically coming out after I safely left Louisiana, but under the advice of my attorney, and the assurance from the Campus police that enough people know about my situation that there is no doubt as to who is behind things if anything is to happen to me, I stand firm and proud, and have decided to go ahead and come out publically today. The days of living in fear, living in a box, not being able to be myself are over. There will be no more split Facebook posts hiding who I am. Though some people might not agree, they are free to unfriend me. I don’t need people who can’t respect and support who I am in my life anyway.

The defamatory hate and bigotry in the deep South must come to an end, allowing its superior qualities to come to the surface. In order for it to come to an end someone has to stand up and speak out. In the past summer I have discovered more about myself than ever before, and I am, for once, proud of who I am. My friends in Austin pointed out that I actually seem like an extrovert who has always been trained to be an introvert, pointing out that I am miserable being quiet in the background. I have discovered that I am someone who enjoys being an entertainer. And I am gay. I look forward to the future as I begin to spread my wings out and experience life trying out the things I have a passion for but have always been afraid to do for fear of judgment or retaliation. No longer will I permit myself to be hidden to appease anyone else. Yes, those of you not on my Austin Facebook list will see what appears to be a “change”, but it is not. It is who I am, who I am proud to be, of which I will offer no apologies, and will not “submit” into silent conformity for anyone.

Lastly, let me make this very clear: I will NOT resign from Kappa Sigma. The principle of doing so goes against my very nature. The more intimidation, threats, harassment, discrimination, and attempts at being railroaded that are aimed at me only strengthens my resolve to push forward and fight for this principle. As for the order from the Chapter Executive Council that I received to remain quiet concerning my sexuality, I will disregard and as of this moment, defy. Those orders were a direct and blatant violation of both Title IX and the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the moment the EEOC ruled that sexual orientation was protected under the “sex” clause of that act. For the past four years I have worked above and beyond to graduate wearing their colors, and next Saturday I am determined to proudly be the first openly gay Kappa Sigma in our chapter, and to my knowledge in the deep South to wear the Kappa Sigma graduation sash with our fraternity’s colors and badge on it with pride.

To the few brothers who offered their support when I came out, I say thank you. To the rest, I say you are still my brothers, but the hate and intolerance you are displaying is an embarrassment to the concept of brotherhood which we were taught as pledges. I am still the same person as I was before I came out to you. To my friends and family who have offered their unending acceptance, love, and support in this fight, I am eternally grateful. To the brothers who can’t get over the fact that they have a gay brother and react in rage and anger, I say, “get over it.” Brotherhood is about acceptance and diversity, and our image is only strengthened the more diverse our chapter is. We are all different from others in our own way, and by attacking your own brothers over their own personal differences, you only cause division and abandon your oath that is supposed to bind us together.

I now know and appreciate what it is like being a minority. I have seen and felt the struggles that go along with that burden of being misunderstood and despised, and wish to spend my life speaking out and advocating against those facing intimidation and discrimination for being “different.” Earlier, I quoted John F. Kennedy, and in this struggle for acceptance, equality, and the right to be whoever God created us to be without fear of abuse, harassment, threats, or intimidation, I am proud to throw back the cover of darkness and bring to the light this social disease that is still plaguing not only parts of our country, but even our universities and the officials who are supposed to protect students against this type of hate, and bring it to the light. I come out as gay right now in hopes that no other student will ever have to face this type of fear, terror, harassment, and hate again, and will be free to be themselves without fear of retaliation.

In closing, my heart echo’s the words of Tim Cook, once again. “Part of social progress is understanding that a person is not defined only by one's sexuality, race, or gender. We pave the sunlit path toward justice together, brick by brick. This is my brick.” I hope it makes life easier for someone else in the future.

The Gayly – 12/9/2015 @ 9:00 p.m. CST