Modernity, polyamory…or monogamy

by Sara Ritsch
Staff Writer

Love is a stirring, whipping whirlwind of emotions; a natural impulse between human beings (or unnatural, depending on who you’re talking to). Love is tempestuous while sometimes unmoving.

But what if you could be introduced to an alternative to monogamous social pairing? Would you be intrigued, repulsed or at least attentive?

Polyamorous relationships involve committed partnerships that are socially non-monogamous, consisting of consenting adults having intimate and devoted relationships pardoning the traditional sense of dual pairing.

It may involve one primary couple and one or more occasional additions. It may involve each significant other choosing openly to continue sleeping with others. It may involve a steady triad. It may not involve sex at all – it is an open spectrum.

All genders can have sex drives. This, along with sexual orientation and gender identity themselves, lies on said spectrum. They can and cannot align. It depends on the individual, and then on the couple (or on however many participants are involved).

Many couples engage in outside sexual acts as a team. A decision like this involves trust and an equally explorative nature. But in a few of these cases, one might venture out on their own while the other does the same – a fun social term dubbed “monogamish”.

Molly Parks, a polyamorous Louisiana native, sheds light on one negative side of that idea. “I’ve come across couples that choose to open their relationship in attempts to ‘fix’ things, whether it’s their sex life or something else. But I always urge people that this is extremely wrong. This will only cause problems and jealousy is the worst in these situations.”

Opening a relationship due to mutual consent and contentedness with exploration has a more broad success in poly relationships. If you or your partner have longed for more, it could be an option.

But this is only one way to have a healthy love life.

One thought process behind polyamory is that the time spent aging and growing together doesn’t count as time wasted.

Parks explores this with two different couples. “To me, non-monogamy is more natural than monogamy. We put importance on fidelity and ownership, and as you know, that’s extremely problematic in the context of, for example, being a feminist,” she says. While growing in her feminism, her pursuit of freedom of identity has expanded.

“Also, I self-identify as queer, not only because I’m pansexual but also because I’m a non-monogamous being and everything about my relationships has been completely non-heteronormative in respects to dominance, gender roles, and equality with my partners.”

This lifestyle is part of a growing trend of adults who do not view monogamy as ideal. In a civilization where hookup culture is affluent, more and more millennials are sharing this perspective. This is not to say that polyamory has not existed in the past, though. Both Mary Shelley and Aldous Huxley were in ménage à trois relationships.

This multiple person outlook must also shift focus away from the existing primary couple and draw attention towards the added individuals. A bisexual individual who is sought out by a couple or who seeks a couple has needs and boundaries that must be respected and nurtured, just as the primary couple does.

The most important thing to remember is to respect everyone involved. Consent, at its utmost, is key.

George Thompson, from Oklahoma, is in a triad with his primary female partner and another male. He and his partners see a flaw in the kind of relationships that Parks pursues. “We see the community here as mainly a hetero man and woman looking to add a ‘unicorn’, and the way they look for and treat people can be super problematic.

“In the context of this community, a unicorn is a solo poly bisexual cis-gendered woman who can fulfill the sexual needs of a straight male and a bisexual woman. Highly sought after and much desired by many in this community.”

But, to explain further, Thompson says that seeking or being a unicorn itself is not the problem – it’s the way couples treat bisexual women “as a commodity, instead of a human being with their own thoughts, desires and expectations.”

Jeremy and Alan Cloud have been together for seven years. In that time, they have had three polyamorous relationships, but have always stayed together as a couple. They consider themselves “poly-monogamous” for this reason.

Alan’s introduction to polyamory came from his ex-boyfriend. “It was his way of getting an open relationship – of sleeping around without cheating,” he says. Jeremy, however, read about it online, and their relationship sparked further exploration. In their time, they’ve worked hard as a couple to overcome the jealously presented in some other poly groups.

When Alan and Jeremy choose a boyfriend, they only date him as a couple. But, like the others, once a relationship is established they are open to switching partners when one is not at home. It’s a relationship that revolves around trust.

“There’s no outside sex,” Jeremy says. “No partners outside of the relationship. We only have sex within the triad.”

All of these poly individuals maintain the ability to truly love. The capability to love more than one person can “add spice to a relationship,” as Alan says, noting, “We love that family feeling. We love opening up the intimacy and closeness to include more people. And, you know, guys are cute and we have this king size bed that needs filling.”

The key to these relationships is to shake the heteronormative and traditional idea of partnership. Taking more than one person’s feelings to mind, an atypically amorous poly relationship can be a progressive way to love.

The Gayly - February 16, 2016 @ 6:30 a.m.