Your mom is gonna love you

by Amanda Kerri
Transgender Columnist

I totally forgot that Mother’s Day is in May. Not because I’m forgetful, though I am. It’s because I haven’t celebrated it in about 20 years now. This isn’t because of some huge fight and falling out with my mother, or because she threw me out for being transgender; it’s because she passed away when I was 19 years old.

Yes, this is kind of sad, and thank you for your sympathies, but it’s been so long that the worst of any pain from it is gone. I shouldn’t tell you that I also lost my father when I was 13 then, cause then this would just be one gigantic ball of sadness.

So, when you have a parent who cares and supports you, then you need to treasure them. Far too many kids out there have parents who aren’t the best role model. Sometimes their mother is gone, tossed them out of the street or is simply emotionally absent.

I can understand why these folks who haven’t had the best experiences might not have the desire to be parents themselves or have a bit of loathing for their parents. It’s only natural based on what’s happened in their lives. For the rest of you guys, you need to sit back and think about how much you should value having them, and that you should be patient with them when they frustrate you.

No matter how old you get, no matter how much you change, your mom is gonna love you. As transgender people, you have to remember that your mother carried you for nine months (I’m sure she’s told you that a few times), changed your diaper and raised you to be the best person you could be.

It can be hard for them to accept their little boy/girl has become a girl/boy. They may take a bit of time to come around on the pronouns, the names and that the person they thought they have always known has changed. The fact quite often that they are even still trying to understand means that they still care. No, you should never change for them and they should learn to accept you, but you should be patient when they seem reluctant to change. Often, it’s not because they’re transphobic or hateful, it’s because they’re your mother and they worry.

They’ve been around longer than you and can remember when things weren’t so great for LGBTQ people. Even though they’ve gotten better, it’s still a dangerous and difficult world for our community and mom worries.

I know it can be frustrating when they second guess you. It’s humiliating when they misgender you or dead-name you. I know it can feel like they don't get you, or accept you, but the fact that you guys are still even talking is more than what a lot of other LGBTQ people experience.

There should be a point where you put your foot down and tell your mom that she needs to respect your choices, to use your name and gender right, but don’t be hateful. Your relationship may never be what it used to be, but that’s no reason for you to start burning the bridge before it’s ready. If you keep at it, if mom truly sees that you’re happy and knows you’re gonna be okay, then it might just turn into a relationship that was better than before.

I know that many of you want to say that I don’t get it, that I don’t understand what you have to put up with, how it can hurt. You’re right, I don’t quite get what you’re going through with your mom dealing with your transition. But I know what it’s like to go without a mom at all.

I can assure you, there will be moments when you wish you could just pick up the phone and call her. You want to have her comfort you, and moments you’ll want to tell her about everything that’s happening. You might need to be patient with her, just like she asks you to be patient with her getting used to you.

I can vouch for the fact that when your relationship with mom is over, you’ll always wish for more time and more chances.